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New York Post
Headlines, rejected



Hard to believe, but some headlines even the Post won't print. The following were too racy, too long, somebody didn't get it or the story was pulled before publication.

        A study found that older men who had more sex were in better physical condition and had healthier hearts. The lesson of which is:

Take a licking, keep on ticking

        The Post is, of course, the newspaper that published one of the two most famous headlines in history: "Headless body in topless bar." So I tried to seize the chance when a story came along about state troopers in trouble for standing by while half-nude concertgoers made a few bucks by washing cars at one of the Woodstock festivals. We had a picture and everything.

Heedless bobbies in topless car wash

        A director was trying to snare star-of-the-moment Leonardo DiCaprio to play Brendan Behan because he said the two had an uncanny resemblance.

A bearable likeness of Behan

        On a story about the Metropolitan Transit Authority misstating its projected budget deficit to justify raising subway fares, the boss wanted something that would really call them out on it (and this in just four or five monosyllabic words). He didn't catch the subway-related reference, so it got changed.

Hey MTA -- mind the gap!

        On a story about how Ireland is gradually losing land mass every year, the boss thought this was somehow too contrived.

Ireland isn't doublin', it's shrinkin'

        Paul McCartney admitted that he was dating model (now wife) Heather Mills, and hinted that the two might marry.

Paul is dead serious about model gal pal

        A story breathlessly detailed the half-million-dollar bejeweled necklace that Whoopi Goldberg would be wearing to host the Oscars. We debated whether the following would be in poor taste and decided not to go with it, though the next day we figured it would have been fine.

Whoopi's a woman of collar

        When Saddam Hussein was captured, one of our top stories was about the DNA testing that confirmed his identity, but I don't think the story made it into the final edition. I wrote what Johnnie Cochran would have written:

The genes fit - he must be it


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