New York Post
Headlines, 2001-2002

        In a variation on the world's most famous joke about headlines, I finally got to write the following when a local Korean War veteran shot a mad dog that was attacking his son:

Man smites dog

        As scandal tarnished Martha Stewart's all-too-perfect image, it also wreaked havoc on her market valuation:

Martha stock falling like a bad souffle

        Combatting the problem of overweight children, one doctor was pushing diet pills for kids, just like mother used to take. With apologies to the Rolling Stones:

Brother's little helper

        When a report claimed that the arid southwest was more fertile ground for meeting good single men, our columnist disagreed, claiming that the Big Apple has the world's best men:

New York a dating desert? No, it's flock-o-fellas center

        As part of a borough-wide weight-loss effort, Brooklyn residents collectively lost 82,000 pounds:

Brooklynites shed 41 tons in girth-shattering event

        Moody "Tomb Raider" actress Angelina Jolie revealed that she once planned to commit suicide by hiring a mob hit man to come and rub her out:

Jolie almost became 'whacked'-tress

        Usually the top editors of the paper write the front-page headlines but once in a while they ask around for ideas, as they did on Christmas night, when a heavy snow produced the first white Christmas in almost three decades:


        As the Taliban fell and Afghan men were again able to go beardless if they chose:

Liberated Afghan men go stubble or nothing

        As airport screening became more stringent, passengers were required to take off their shoes to prove they weren't hiding anything nefarious there:

Fliers bare their soles

        Also in Afghanistan, two American "relief workers" (actually evangelists) were arrested for trying to convert Afghans to Christianity. They were welcomed as heroes when released, and appeared with the president amid speculation about how much they could get if their story were made into a TV movie. That left:

Missionaries in position to cash in

        A New York mob informant was put into witness protection and went straight, earning the local kids' affection as a sports coach. This all-American success story meant that:

He's in fitness protection

        Always willing to tweak a celebrity in a moment of weakness, we publicized Jennifer Lopez's failure to show up in New York as her clothing line was released:

J.Lo turns to Jell-O

        When the Olympics came to Salt Lake City, so did an unaccustomed amount of alcohol imports. Suppliers cranked up for the upcoming event and European countries even declared their facilities diplomatic zones so they could avoid the state's severe liquor laws. Clearly, the event was changing the state's conservative way of life:

Utah to get Olym-pickled

        Finally, some of the best lines appear in small type on picture captions. During the running of the bulls, we got a picture of a human taking a tumble but it was also true that:

Many a steer has to fall

        And during the debt crisis in Argentina, the country installed an unstable succession of different presidents, including this one receiving the sash of office from a legislative official:

Prez dispenser